Codependency vs. Enabling: How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Codependency and enabling are distinct concepts. But they are connected—one leads to the other. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one partner relies on the other for their entire sense of well-being. When they’re only happy when their partner’s happy, they’ll do anything they want. Giving a partner with an addiction anything they ask for is dangerous. Rather than help them limit their bad behavior, doing what they ask enables them. 

The Definition of Codependence 

Codependency is overreliance on a romantic partner to provide self-worth. Rooted in insecurity, it places the relationship on a pedestal, letting perceived stability define identity and creating desperation to maintain it at all costs. 

Fearing rejection, codependent partners practice “conflict avoidance,” working to preempt arguments at all costs because they have an unreasonable fear of abandonment. They’ll never say “no,” even if saying “yes” hurts their loved one, to avoid destabilizing the relationship or upsetting their partner. Some cope with their insecurities by micromanaging, creating a fragile illusion of control that masks their insecurities and worsens over time. Ironically, the need for control and resulting arguments may cause the very collapse they fear most, as conflict over not being obeyed or consulted comes to a head. Others overwork themselves to keep the relationship healthy, burning themselves out in the process. 

The constant anxiety and low self-esteem compounds into mood disorders like depression, making them vulnerable to emotional manipulations common from addiction. Despite their mood disorders they overreach when caretaking, indulging unhealthy desires rather than encouraging growth, even providing whatever’s needed to avoid withdrawal symptoms. 

In giving their partner what they want they also work to protect their image, denying or downplaying harmful actions and lying to themselves and others about spending and bad behavior. Their fear of abandonment leads them to drop boundaries lest they upset their partner, thinking that the slightest hint of resistance will lead to a breakup. 

Codependence Leads to Addiction Enabling 

Codependence becomes enabling when one partner can’t tell the other, who’s suffering from an addiction, “no.” People with an addiction exploit this passivity, avoiding consequences critical for recovery. Enablers view compliance as a form of caring, then shield their partners from vital accountability and opportunities for learning. 

Avoidance and Denial

Enablers ignore red flags—health issues, criminal behavior, or escalating substance use. The downplaying aspects of codependency come into play as they convince themselves and others that their partner’s behavior is not as serious as it sounds. They may even refuse to acknowledge irrefutable problems, such as medical or legal consequences, and make excuses whenever confronted. 

Coverups and Blame-Taking

Some enablers hide their partner’s destructive behavior or accept blame themselves. They take responsibility for accidents, or lie to family and professionals. One of the most serious examples: if a drunk partner crashes their vehicle, they’ll risk legal and financial consequences and claim they were driving to protect their partner from a DUI. 

Financial Overreach

Addiction is expensive, and enablers willingly give their partners money to buy drugs or alcohol. In severe cases, they’ll waste money they need for bills and expenses, or take a second job to pay for their supply. 

How Codependency Hurts 

Codependency hurts both partners. The enabled person’s addiction runs out of control, while their partner sacrifices their health in a futile attempt to keep them happy. Chronic stress from this imbalance manifests physically, leading to insomnia, fatigue, and headaches that lead to burnout, and contributes to depression and anxiety. 

A codependent person also develops an unhealthy sense of self, defining themselves by the relationship until they lose sight of their own opinions, values, beliefs, and ideals. Their mood becomes unstable, swinging between euphoric highs at small praise and crushing lows at thoughtless comments. When paired with the similar highs and lows of addiction, the relationship becomes a cycle of constant unpredictability that harms them both.

Why Enabling Delays Recovery 

Addiction is a brain disease that forces the patient to crave the things they know are bad for them. Cravings lead to compulsions that cause them to act erratically and make outrageous demands, which an enabling partner will fight to meet. 

For someone to recover from an addiction, they must hear “no” often. Their loved ones won’t give them money, provide them with a place to stay, buy them alcohol, or otherwise shield them from the consequences of their actions. Never denying them shields them from the consequences of their behavior, and if they never face the consequences, their behavior will never change. Hurting them in the short term is the only way to help them in the long term. 

How to Stop Enabling Addiction—Setting Emotional Boundaries 

Though boundaries may feel like stepping away from supporting a partner who has a substance use disorder, defined expectations for both partners support them in the long term. By establishing boundaries, partners hold their loved ones accountable for the consequences of their actions and encourage them to make difficult choices. 

Therapy – Relearning Relationships 

In addition to support groups, rehab facilities, and other addiction-focused treatment, consider beginning couples therapy. A qualified therapist will help both partners identify unhealthy dynamics and reforge them into healthier ones. Each partner should have their own space, interests, and opportunities to grow, along with explicit lists of things they will not do for one another. 

Assertive Communication – Boundaries and Healthy Relationships

Establishing boundaries is only the first step. Each partner must also assert them when the time comes. Remain firm and calm, and recall previous discussions about boundaries and their importance. 

A proper boundary has consequences if not respected. Decide what the consequences should be for breaking each boundary, and be willing to enforce them, even if it becomes painful. 

Let Go 

The consequences of breaking some boundaries can include breakups and divorce. No one should stay in an unsustainable relationship that consistently hurts them. Letting go hurts, but it may be the sign the addicted partner needs to finally enter recovery. 

How to Support an Addict Without Enabling Them 

Helping without enabling is possible and far more productive. Healthy support avoids overreach, colloquially referred to as “lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” Someone wit a supportive mindset reviews their relationship’s health and their partner’s recovery with an objective, evidence-based mindset developed in therapy. 

Stick to Boundaries 

Boundaries must remain consistent and never waver. For example, a decision to never give a partner money must stay firm, whether the partner asks for one dollar or a thousand. 

Stay Honest and Objective 

Be honest about their progress, their current state, and the ways their behavior hurts those around them. Share the personal consequences of specific events, making factual statements about what happened and the harm it caused.  

Take a Step Back 

When it comes to treating addiction, romantic partners are helpers, not rescuers. They can’t do everything for their partner. They can provide resources, encouragement, and support, but no more. 

If you’re struggling to change this mindset or can’t find the resources to get started, consider contacting SoberMind Recovery. 

Start Helping, Stop Enabling: Partner with SoberMind Recovery 

It’s hard to find the right facility for drug and alcohol treatment. San Fernando Valley hosts a state-of-the-art facility offering both traditional detox facilities and dual diagnosis treatment. Los Angeles residents concerned they might be enabling their loved ones should call SoberMind Recovery. There, they can begin their lifelong recovery journey with the help of its withdrawal management programs.