Codependency and Recovery: A Guide to Rebuilding Healthy Relationships

People who are codependent construct their entire identity around someone close to them, often a romantic partner. Their self-esteem comes from someone else’s actions and words, and their relationship becomes the center of their entire life. Because they tie their partner’s well-being to their own, they feel an overwhelming need to keep them happy. Even if the consequences are dire for them, they fear abandonment much more. 

Codependency manifests as a fear of being left alone without the individual’s partner, who they fixate on. This fear leads them to do anything to “save” or “fix” their relationship, putting more into it than they get. This dynamic will, given time, harm both partners. 

Because they rely on their partner for their emotional well-being, they’ll do anything to please them. Doing anything for someone who suffers from drug or alcohol addiction endangers both partners. It’s impossible to control the physical health problems, powerful cravings, and involuntary compulsions that accompany enabled addiction. But codependent people try, which is very dangerous. 

If codependency recovery intimidates you, remember it will help you both in the end. Setting and communicating your boundaries, then building your identity outside your relationship, will help you care for yourself. After you finish overcoming codependency, you can build the skills needed to help your partner. You’ll approach them with a new, objective mindset and firm boundaries to push them down the road to recovery. 

Signs of Codependent Behavior 

You may fail to recognize a codependent relationship if you’re in one. Think about these telltale signs and compare them to your behavior. If you feel reluctant, consider that hesitation as another signal that it’s time to look for ways to heal. 

Outsourced Self-Esteem 

Codependent people care too much about others’ opinions, especially the thoughts of the person they fixate on. They crave validation and struggle to find enough to satisfy their emotional needs. 

Though they crave love, they also doubt its validity at the slightest provocation. A careless comment or missed text message is enough to cause a devastating self-doubt spiral. Codependent people feel miserable when they can’t fix their loved ones’ problems—such as their addiction or its symptoms. If their partner’s unhappy, they feel unhappy, and feel compelled to fix it, even if they know it’s wrong. 

Assumed Responsibility 

Codependent people often feel secure and happy only when their loved one is happy. They also blame themselves for their partner’s mistakes, even those outside their control. 

This attitude threatens them with financial and legal trouble when confronted with an addiction. If their partner suffers withdrawal symptoms, they’ll do anything to make them happy and comfortable again. Guilt-tripping and manipulation, including financial abuse, may manifest as addictions grow worse, and codependent partners are willing to please. 

For example, someone with cravings could guilt their codependent partner to sell sentimental items or work overtime to pay for drugs. Never give money to someone with an addiction. If you try to step back, they may threaten to leave you. If that threat makes you panic, then you experience a common symptom of codependent relationships: fear of abandonment.  

Fear of Solitude and Abandonment 

If you are codependent, you hate being without the other person. You feel anxious when they do things without you or don’t contact you for even a short time. You’ll also do anything and everything to keep the relationship intact, even when it becomes problematic. This fear blinds you to abusive or addiction-enabling behaviors. 

Protecting yourself from the consequences of addiction is impossible if you don’t establish the necessary emotional, financial, and legal boundaries. Enabling them might feel like helping them, or even making them rely on you to ensure you stay. Long-term, you’ll do far more damage because you can’t be objective. People with serious addictions need ultimatums to push them into rehab. While these sweeping changes intimidate most reasonable people, codependent partners resist all changes—no matter how small. 

Resistance to Change 

It takes hard work to keep any relationship together. If you are a codependent partner, you slave over every single part of it. Then, you fight against any change you fear will disrupt the delicate system you’ve worked so hard to build. 

If you feel this way, you must change, both for your sake and theirs. 

How to Overcome Codependent Behaviors 

Only one person can fix a codependent relationship: you. To escape codependency, you must set healthy boundaries and communicate them in detail. These changes help you take a healthy step away from the relationship and discover your identity without it. 

Start small when implementing these massive changes. Like an addiction, it is sometimes better to taper your relationship than cut yourself off. Small, successful moments of healthy separation compound into better boundaries that let you create a “separate life that’s just yours.” 

Boundaries

Decide what you will and won’t do. Those decisions cover your actions, your mindset, and your reactions to perceived slights or insults. Consider starting with validation-seeking behaviors. Decide which you’ll stop and which ones you can afford to keep. 

You may perceive a growing distance between yourself and your loved ones. Understand that you’re feeling steps back to a healthier, more natural distance between the two of you. It still hurts to lose that connection, but remember this loss is a natural part of the healing process. 

Communication

Share your thoughts, concerns, and the boundaries you’d like to set with your partner. Analyze your loved one’s reactions to these conversations. Someone with an addiction might resist letting you go, because they rely on you to enable their bad behavior. If they act out during or after these talks, develop an exit plan. 

Identity and Self-Esteem 

Try not to spend time without your partner worrying about them. Instead, use that alone time to think about your identity and how you define yourself outside your relationship with others. 

Ask yourself what you value, the things you want to accomplish, and how you feel about these things. So many thoughts about yourself might feel selfish. But remember that, especially if your loved one has an addiction, this process still helps them. Your new self-advocacy and a stronger sense of identity give you the ability to provide the tough love they need to succeed. 

Address the Causes 

Codependency doesn’t come from nowhere. Growing up in a household with addictions, neglect, and mood disorders may have affected your understanding of healthy relationships. You might model your parents’ behavior, if they were also codependent or raised you to overvalue self-sacrifice. 

If you are willing to sacrifice everything for a loved one with an addiction, you both need help. If their situation is bad enough that they need rehab, consider SoberMind Recovery for help.  

Find Help for Yourself Or Your Loved One at SoberMind Recovery 

If you or a loved one are struggling with a combined addiction and codependent relationship, contact SoberMind Recovery for specialized Dual-Diagnosis Treatments. Los Angeles couples and families can access solutions tailored to them, like relationship counseling and LGBTQ+ SoberMind Recovery.

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