Enabling is Not Love: Setting Boundaries in Recovery

Everyone wants to do what’s best for their loved ones in recovery. The partners and parents of addiction patients often make every effort to give the addict what they need in the hope of protecting them from themselves. In some cases, they change their lives and lifestyles to accommodate a loved one’s destructive impulses. 

Though usually well-intentioned, this level of enabling quickly becomes dangerous. As the addiction drives manipulative behavior, the patient’s support group is unknowingly perpetuating those behaviors.

For those who have loved ones in the throes of addiction, having the fortitude to establish boundaries is crucial.

What is Addiction Codependency?

In a codependent relationship, the non-addicted party provides unconditional love, acceptance, and support for the addict’s destructive behaviors. They make drastic changes in their own lives, willing to provide any assistance if it helps mitigate the consequences of addiction. But what an addict wants is rarely what the addict actually needs. 

In most cases of enabling, the behavior comes from a kind and generous place. However, just as the addict’s tolerance to alcohol or drugs grows, an addict’s loved ones develop a tolerance to bad behavior; meanwhile, they continue trying to deflect the consequences of their actions. As a result, the addict continues to sink deeper into addiction. 

Predictors of Codependency 

Codependency is a pattern of behavior but not a psychiatric disorder. Still, psychological measures can indicate which types of people are more likely to find themselves in codependent relationships. 

Generally speaking, those who form codependent relationships exhibit lower self-confidence and higher succorance, or the desire to nurture. 

How Codependent Relationships Enable Addicts 

As addicts lose jobs, money, and their health, enablers are there making sure the addicts lose as little as possible. This essentially provides resources and the space to continue using. 

Financial Support

One of the most common forms of enabling is financial. This can mean covering essential living expenses like rent/mortgages and groceries. But all too often, the addict’s loved ones are unknowingly sustaining the substance abuse habit. 

Living Space 

The devastating financial consequences of addiction often lead addicts to lose or sell their homes. For example, an enabler may give the addict a free place to live, freeing more money to then be spent on drug use and abuse. In short, this makes something like job loss a non-issue. 

Concealment 

Enablers often try to shield their loved ones from shame by making excuses for absences and erratic behaviors. They could also attempt to keep loved ones who would push the addict toward recovery treatment out of the loop to “protect” the addict.

 

In some situations, this could escalate to conceling their actions from law enforcement. Potential extreme examples include refusal to cooperate with investigations or even lying on the witness stand. Called perjury, this serious crime exposes the enabler to long-term consequences just as significant as the addict’s.

Supporting Delusions 

Fear of emotional retaliation often makes enablers more reluctant to confront the addict about their behavior. This silence empowers the addict to dive further into addiction without an honest external assessment of their behavior.

Codependency Harms Everyone

Clearly, codependency hurts both the drug abuser and the enabler, including in some somewhat unexpected ways

Addict 

A codependent relationship means the addict can continue the abuse largely free of consequence. This mitigates what could’ve been a strong incentive to change their behavior.

Addiction Enablers 

Due to their enabling, the loved ones of addicts often suffer emotional damage, additional stress, financial harm, and even an increased risk of other forms of abuse.

How to Avoid Becoming an Addiction Enabler While Still Helping

For someone predisposed to codependence, helping without enabling is difficult. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. In lieu of cutting them out entirely or simply turning a blind eye, there are a number of strategies to safeguard those prone to codependent relationships.

Conditional Assistance 

Supporters should carefully choose which types of support to provide and cease the support once the stated allotment is exhausted. 

For example, a former enabler may require that the addict visit support meetings or enter rehab in exchange for providing room and board. They should also cut off financial support beyond the necessities, making payments directly to the service provides to ensure the resources aren’t used to purchase more drugs. 

Tough Love 

Although it hurts to do nothing while a loved one grows worse, the wrong kind of help hurts an addict even more. Proponents of tough love believe that addiction patients must experience the consequences of their actions, or hit rock bottom, before reality sinks in.

Force the First Steps 

Not even the best of intentions will allow someone to carry an addict alone through the journey of recovery alone. The addict should be funneled into a treatment program with clinical support as soon as possible.

Criticisms of Codependency Theory 

Not everyone agrees with codependency theory. Modern medicine classifies addiction as a mental disorder rather than a failure of character or weak will. Addicts can’t overcome their emotions with willpower alone. They need a treatment-oriented approach with scientific backing.

Tough Love and Emotional Damage 

Recovery is much easier with hope. An addict cut off from friends and family in their time of need has little reason to hope after their relationships disintegrate. 

An engaged and active support network improves recovery odds. Without anyone to turn to, an addict may struggle to find reasons to continue their recovery. 

Poor Definition

Psychiatrists do not recognize codependency as a mental disorder. It is impossible to diagnose objectively. Every case is different. Anyone eager to label a relationship “codependent” must consider that a healthy relationship for some is co-dependent for others. Every relationship is different. 

Resource Deprivation 

In tough love, loved ones remove their support. In extreme cases, when addicts have lost everything, this deprivation can put them out on the street. Overdose and death are common among homeless addicts. People who hope to avoid a co-dependent relationship should consider that a possibly co-dependent relationship beats no relationship at all. 

Begin a Loved One’s Sobriety Journey With Our Rehab Placement Program 

Never Alone Recovery has the resources to make that first step possible. We provide free drug rehab placement to help addicts and their loved ones find the perfect detox treatment. We can make sure your loved ones get the help they need; call our toll-free number to learn more.